The E. coli Sudoku Team
Of course, it was only a matter of time—
students at the University of Tokyo
have trained those little stomach bacteria
to graduate from causing food poisoning
to solving Sudoku puzzles.
Bravo, science. Really.
Because what we truly needed
wasn’t a cure for disease,
or a fix for a planet baking like bread in the oven,
but a microorganism
that could nail a 9x9 grid
without breaking a sweat.
Maybe next, they’ll teach fungi to do taxes,
train viruses to calculate the tip—
so perhaps that half-eaten casserole
moldering in the fridge
can finally get my checkbook balanced.
At this point,
even the mold is probably smarter than I am.
And we—
we who invented the wheel,
the lightbulb,
the smartphone so we could argue online
about things we don’t understand—
we who once turned fire into progress
are now left with ever-declining attention spans
and the existential dread
of being outpaced by whatever’s growing
in the bottom of the milk carton.
Perhaps,
by next year,
we’ll have yeast managing our calendars,
a side of E. coli tutoring our kids,
and I’ll sit here, sipping my coffee,
waiting for the day
when the leftovers in the fridge
not only file my taxes,
but, ultimately,
probate my estate.